Navigating community in a epidemic of anti-socials.

It’s been a while! I Have been living and grounding these last few weeks and allowing myself to allow this next piece to come to me slowly and intentionally. I’m so grateful for the patience of my subscribers you all are so special to me. I’ve been on a journey of staying present since 2023 and with each year and intention I can proudly say I have learned a balance. This shift to staying present and enjoying the small moments in life (even if they’re boring) really forced me to see just how disconnected everyone has become. We are all in a rush, got places to be and people to see. I get it. I am someone who values productivity as well. But on the contrary i’ve seen and heard so many of us complain about the loneliness that is adulthood. People get married, have children or are hard at work on their craft (whatever it may be) and we are all begging for more community. More quality connections but we are not willing to be uncomfortable to get this. Too busy for small talk and genuine interest in the community around us

Forming community in this day and age has been a daunting task. I for one live in one of the most anti social and fake nice states there is, the beautiful California full of fake smiles and opportunists who are looking for their next social climb. Many won’t bother connecting if you don’t immediately appear useful to them. This may sound cynical to my optimists but it is simply the truth. I’ve met some amazing people here who have been a blessing to me, genuine souls might I add but for every kind soul there are at least 3 others who would rather die than to acknowledge you In any way unless you’re close with them. As isolating as this has been for the last 3 years it has taught me alot about discernment. Knowing who is here for genuine reasons and knowing who is only interested in getting close to you for personal gain. It takes alot of trust in yourself, your gut and trusting how your body feels once you leave someones presence.

Now, I want to make one thing clear, I don’t believe we owe each other a smile, a nod or hell even a conversation. However, I notice an immediate disinterest when a connection is made (or connecting is attempted) and this person isn’t seen as important or of use. The lack of genuine listening or the body language that clearly suggests someone may be panicking to exit the conversation; has to be discouraging for many of us. Even if you do make attempts to connect with others, you will eventually stop trying after so many rejections or embarassing moments. At first, I thought this was uniquely a Cali problem until I spoke with others about this anti social epidemic and to my surprise this has been an ongoing thing in every city, state. There are different extremes depending on location of course but I’m realizing people are no longer interested in day to day interactions nor do they have the patience for each other at large. Some say it was a shift during covid and some say it’s because of social media. Maybe it’s both but one thing I do know is we are all too busy to connect with each other.

Online spaces are partially to blame for this. They have really evolved, we are way past chatrooms and emails. We are granted access to so many people from all over the world now but with this access I feel we take it for granted. People have become lazy. Why not just find the interaction and community we seek online right? Its much easier. How boring though?! Have we become so used to finding connection outside of everyday life that we no longer value human to human interaction? Regardless of our desire to connect safely behind our screens there will always be a human need to connect in real time. To be held, seen and embraced physically. It may feel safer, less vulnerable and feel nice that you can always disengage when you don’t feel like interacting anymore. It’s nice to have all of this in your control. Quality connections don’t only exist online though and i’ll be a testament that some of the most amazing connections I’ve made over the last few years (while staying offline) have been in person and are some of my most memorable, impactful and inspiring.

What so many of us are missing is the third spaces that make room for the possibility of connection. This too is community. Any activity that forces us to interact and not awkwardly stand by. For many of us these third spaces look like our local gym, cafe, church or library. But i’m finding third spaces are losing the community ingredient without some form of social climbing or money spent. These third spaces should include some hobby or activity that likeminded people enjoy where you’re not only nurturing your interests but also building community around whatever it is that you enjoy. For me recently it has been anything regarding my spiritual wellbeing, meditation groups, yoga classes/breathwork and anything involving nature such as bird watching. I don’t always form friendships out of these spaces but I do get a chance to learn , get inspired and even network with amazing people. Sometimes that is all you need.

There are some of us who are on the opposite end of this anti social epidemic and are intentionally seeking community in this climate but may be too shy or discouraged (due to being a victim of the social awkward people roaming our everyday paths) let me be the first person to validate you. It is genuinely not you, it is them. People are in their own little weird worlds tumbling through their day with no concern for anyone outside of themselves, their careers or their small circles. Driving mad, walking, bumping into and pushing past each other, anxiety ridden with coffee in one hand and rudely demanding the world to accommodate them. Their actions are not a reflection of you but better yet a reflection of their own inner chaotic worlds. And the only thing you can do is stay in your body and move in a way that inspires others around you to be considerate , patient and understanding. Moving slowly, waiting for the elderly to take their time in front you or simply moving aside, looking out for those who need help and are willing to offer a kind smile because they’re genuinely happy and not overstimulated.

Being present has taught me many things including just how vibrant and magnetic you become to those around you when you are truly in your body. In a sea of escapism and inconsideration you become a ray of sunshine for those who are in need of some hope, in need of inspiration or a confirmation that good people exist. You attract likeminded and kind people who are also seeking connection and you will naturally gravitate to these people. Many may ask well where are they? They are surely not in your home or coming out of the sky. They are our neighbors, they are serving us at their jobs, they are on daily walks, at dog parks, they’re at events and they’re outside living life. They are living the content we all consume. It may be awkward at first and honestly it’s guaranteed to be awkward but with every moment you put yourself out there you get better at interaction. You sharpen the muscle of charisma and charm.